“She wants me to mingle, I’m going to mingle,” says Jarrod, snapping his fingers. Within seconds, Simone is forced to use her date card on him when he’s not even her type. They go for a session of stand-up paddle-boarding yoga (it’s a thing) that involves some R-rated poses.
Keira, realising she’s probably out of a rose, admits she might’ve misjudged the situation. She tries to
One too many mango daiquiris to the wind, she throws in the towel. “No one’s interested in me,” she sobs. Ah, there’s always that open bar.
Remember Eden and Nina? The producers are bored of them, too.
Back at the resort, he starts making moves on newcomer Elora, mainly because he loves “a bit of meat” on his women, but also because Nina doesn’t want to kiss till the show’s over. Just ahead of the rose ceremony, he takes Nina aside to pine his blue balls.
“I have needs,” he tells her, suddenly transforming into Optimus Douche.
“I don’t wanna feel pressured to do something I don’t wanna do,” she replies. “I’m not going to jump your bones, stop asking me to.”
Eden accuses her of being selfish, and he’s suddenly the resident sex pest. Probably not what he was after from this show, but such are the whims of its producers.
Michael, perennially alone with his three-quarter pants, has also hatched a plan to “dial up” the rose ceremony, implying he’d pass his rose to Lisa, even though she’s securely loved up with Luke.
Of course, a suspiciously timed conversation sees Luke telling Lisa, off the cuff, that he’d totally make a move on another girl if someone he was attracted to walked in. After that bombshell, Lisa’s bitter. A producer hidden behind the couch coughs “Michael!” (probably), and she sets off to try her luck.
Turns out Michael and Lisa have a secret handshake, a bit like Will and Jazzy Jeff’s thing on the Fresh Prince. Luke looks in trouble.
“It’s f—ing funny how shit just blows up over nothing,” he says without a hint of sarcasm. The producers’ room giggles.
The rose ceremony kicks off, and it’s a mess. Jarrod, still feeling fun and free in his post-Keira bliss, picks Simone. We’ve all read the headlines but worth a try, Ten.
Michael launches into a grand speech, like he’s Bill Pullman in Independence Day. “I only want to give roses to girls I want get to know. I sold out. I’m not going to do it anymore!” he says as the music swells. He gives his rose to Lisa, shocking all involved.
“It’s a trainwreck,” says commentator Sam. “Whatever bro-code there was, not only has it been stopped, it’s been decimated.”
Back on the bro-line, Michael breaks down over his treachery and stumbles off-set. The music cuts out and the camera man fumbles his camera for added effect. A bunch of production staff go running into the jungle darkness. It’s some savvy fake reality.
“Oh, that’s awkward, mate,” cries Michael. He wipes his tears on his shirt collar, conveniently unbuttoned to his nipples, and gets back on the set. Osher pretends nothing happened, even though camera men are tumbling like bowling pins around him.
With everyone in a headspin, Luke gives his rose to Keira, saying “everyone deserves a second chance”, whatever that means. Jarrod’s eyes get all red and puffy.
In another surprising final decision, Eden gives his rose to Elora over Nina. In the episode’s funniest move, he steps up to give Nina a hug goodbye.
“No, I don’t have anything to say to you,” she tells him.
“I’m super pissed off, and at the end of the day I think that proves what kind of a guy Eden is,” she adds. “If you’re not going to put out, he’s sending you home.”
Eden saunters off with his head down. The producers’ room giggles.
Rob Moran is an Entertainment reporter for The Age, The Sydney Morning Herald and Brisbane Times.
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